Candid Camera Fido
E. Boyer
Can someone tell me why there is dog poop on my lawn? In all the years I’ve lived in Piedmont, this practice of dog owners allowing their pets to poop on other people’s lawns is one of the strangest things our little town has to offer. Sure, there are some responsible pet owners who dutifully bring along their plastic bags and deposit the little gem in the nearest garbage bin but, then there are the other kind…the not so dutiful pet owners who feel like the dirty, smelly fecal matter that comes out of their dog’s rear end is a gift from the Gods and you should be appreciative that it graced your lawn. Does this mean it’s o.k. for my neighbor to knock on their front door and say “Hey, my kid just filled his diaper to the brim and I’m gonna leave it here on your doorstep….he’s a charming kid really, and we’d like for you to share in that magic.” We’ve actually watched in amazement from our living room window a few times at what we call “The Phantom Fecal’er.” Here he comes, in his Harvard t-shirt looking on with pride as his dog, which incidentally is the size of a baby Hippo, lets it all out on my lawn…”it” being the size of microwave!! Are you telling me that, per his t-shirt, he attended Harvard but can’t figure out that it may not be ok to let his dog violate my lawn? Oh, I get it, maybe his dog went to some sort of Doggie-Harvard and the two of them together are so busy being smart that they forgot their manners. Yeah, that’s probably it. Oh, and just curious…is it ok if people poop on other people’s lawns as long as they pick it up with the little plastic bags? What?!? Geez, it’s a legitimate question! After all, poop is poop! And, by the way, the gift left behind by Hippo-doggie required a Gallon size freezer bag…not kidding. Hey, what if we started catching all of the Phantom Fido episodes on video and submit them to KCOM? You have to admit it would be more interesting than the current KCOM fodder. C’mon…Admit it! Seriously, this could add a whole new dimension to the evening entertainment lineup in Piedmont. Instead of just lounging around gossiping over cocktails, we could be lounging around gossiping over cocktails while watching a neighbor demonstrate his/her genuinely inflated sense of superiority and self worth to the degree that they wouldn’t dream of having their dog poop on their own lawn. In fact, they and their super-sized ego have decided that you actually installed a lawn just so that their dog could have a place to poop. This sort of reality t.v. may be a little too organic for KCOM….but seriously, who do I talk to about that? In the meantime, if you see some crazy person dropping their drawers in your front yard, don’t even think about makin’ a stink (funny) because you’ll know it means I caught you on video and it’s payback time. And by the way, my fiber intake is off the charts so you may wanna stock up on the Gallon size bags…
