E. Boyer
Why do I know that my neighbor is moving out because of financial problems? I shouldn't know that. Why do I know that one of the women in a charitable organization which I support doesn't always wait until 5:30 to start Happy Hour? I shouldn't know that. And, why do I know that several neighborhood kids are in therapy or have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol? I shouldn't know that, either. You see, I don't have a close and personal relationship with any of them them. And yet, I know things about them that only their very dear friends or family should know. Mind you, I don't really know these things about my neighbors, etc. I've only heard them. That's right. Gossip. You might ask, "Why listen if you know it's just gossip?" Well, here's the thing about gossip..the person delivering it is usually one of those coiling cobra types from whom it's doggone hard to get away! Heck, they'll wrestle you to the ground just to bend your ear about the latest misfortune that fell upon some poor soul. But, the thing that I've always found fascinating about gossip isn't so much the (always convoluted) message but, rather the pleasure the messenger gets in delivering it. Take a closer look next time...they're like hyenas hovering over a carcass...laughing, snickering and licking their chops! For them, gossip makes the holiday ham look like leftover tuna casserole! It's probably similar in other small towns but, geez, guys..our little enclave has a gossip force that rivals The National Inquirer!! Good Lord, it's like pigs to the trough when someone's marriage is on the rocks! Ladies' Night Out around here is often like a hodge-podge of scenes from Jane Austen's Emma read by Martha from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!! Yep. And, those darling little "I Love Lucy" style luncheons at our local country club often turn into that lesser known sitcom "Lucy and Ethel Get Hammered on Six Glasses (each) of Chardonnay And Tell Everyone Else At TheTable Why The Neighbors Really Moved Out Of Town." Yikes..not pretty!! But, those smeared-lipstick, slurred-word episodes aren't nearly as troublesome as the ones executed with complete presence of mind in full sobriety. For example, you settle down for ten minutes with the morning paper and a cup of coffee when your phone rings with a call from your friend/gossip extraordinaire delivering urgent news: "You-know-who's ex- husband is now living down the street with a woman 30 years his junior..but, turns out the marriage ended not because of her bizarre shoplifting habit as previously thought but because of his 12 year stint on unemployment after he was fired for being "ineffective"..anyway, now he has millions from some real estate scam he pulled in Vegas but, you know she was the one with all the family money and never had to work a day in her life, but honestly, the whole new money thing is so tacky and, their son...he was the one they sent off to Utah for wearing all that eyeliner in high school..well, he's back in town after graduating from some B-rated college and you know he never would have gotten into any college if it weren't for that giant donation his Grandmother made..anyway, he's threatening to tell the new wife that his father was once in love with Bill, yes...Bill, the interior designer who, many years ago, helped his mother with "colors" for their living room...anyway, they're having some ridiculously pretentious party and I might actually go because I'm dying to see what she looks like!" Bam!! Top that, Regis and Kelly! And, all this time I thought their marriage ended because of that terrible hair piece he insisted on wearing.
Some studies say that gossip is "..the social glue that holds us all together." And, that gossip "...is more than idle chat..it's how we arrange our world as social animals." Maybe so. But, I always thought the son was darling and I assumed, for all those years, that the eyeliner had something to do with theater arts! And, I’m still not sure about the “new money” comment..I thought new money spent the same as old money! Well, now I'm confused. Go easy on the mud slinging, fellow Piedmonters. It could make an old gal add Bourbon to her morning coffee! Besides, it's even tackier than all that new money...seriously.
