The Function
E. Boyer
There are two kinds of social gatherings. The first is the kind that you look forward to, clearing your calendar, knowing that it will be an evening of wonderful familiarities of warmth, humor and lively dialogue. You can arrive at this type of gathering in shorts and a t-shirt and bringing as a contribution, the humble remnants of some sort of cheese found in the dark recesses of your refrigerator. Not because the evening or the company isn’t worthy of something better but, because your hosts know you. They know you, love you, and consider the cheese secondary to your good company. This is a gathering that leaves you better, happier, fulfilled. It is a gathering without pretences.
Then there is the other kind of gathering. This type also gets marked on your calendar but every night prior to the date, you get on your hands and knees and pray that something else will come up that precludes you from attending. In fact, every time you pass your calendar you avert your eyes from that particular date because it creates a wave of nausea that lasts for hours. This kind of gathering is often referred to as a “function.” Rule #1: The cheese does matter here. So, if you’re assignment is to bring cheese you’ll want to quickly run to Market Hall for a cheese consultation. And, for the love of God choose carefully because a common cheddar or heaven forbid a leftover, could affect your standing in the community for years to come. Rule #2: Your outfit will absolutely be scrutinized so don’t think for a minute that every woman and closet gay husband won’t know the quality of your shoes. Brace yourself. If you don’t already own a pair, you’ll have to drop about $500 easy to get into the acceptable shoe bracket and yes, your feet will hurt like hell the entire night. Suck it up. You accepted the challenge when you r.s.v.p.’d “yes” and these are the rules of engagement. No, no warm and fuzzy at this variety of gathering. This is a “who’s who” of Piedmont and if you can’t take the heat, best not go in the kitchen! Rule #3: Ben Franklin wasn’t entirely right…in addition to death and taxes you can also be certain that most of those in attendance are trying to figure out how much money you make. There. I said it. Sad but true. Anxiety riddled pawns in the “How Do I Measure Up” game of life, all wondering if they’re o.k. or if you have them beat. I attended one of these functions a few months ago and spent the evening marveling at the power play. I’ve found that the best way to get through this sort of evening is to be an observer. One woman in particular held my attention because she seemed like a bull in a china shop, hell bent on finding out what everyone did for a living. No smooth and pleasant introduction, no “Hi,” “How ‘bout those Lakers,” “Hey, I understand you have kids…what are their ages?” Nope. Just straight to “What do you do?” Made worse by her further interrogation, all meant to determine income level. This poor woman seemed so influenced by the demands of our ‘keep up with the Jones’” society, that virtually all of her feminine attributes were over ridden by her need to appear dominant and important. I just wanted to go over and give her a big hug, offer to make her a chicken pot pie (which I always find comforting) and tell her that her income was just fine and that everything would be alright! Pardon the political incorrectness but, she seemed like…..a man! And, although just as unappealing in a man, this was sad for two reasons. First, because this woman actually seemed to possess testicles (scary) and second, because…well..heck, a woman so impeccably dressed and appearing to have testicles is hard to beat! But seriously, isn’t there anything else we’d like to know about our neighbors? Wouldn’t we be better off knowing their past times, what brought them to the area, their favorite charities, summer reading suggestions, genealogy, latest travel adventures, how the heck they got their hair to look so good? It seems like such a wasted opportunity to have people from all walks of life thrown together in one place for a short time and the best we can do is try to figure out their cash position. You know what? I’m just gonna go ahead and make chicken pot pie for everyone….. I am. Seriously.
