Man-Belly
It’s funny. Every time I look at a magazine I’m bombarded with images of impossibly beautiful women. This is nothing new. Heck, Oprah has devoted entire segments to this topic. How women are constantly met with the challenge to be incredible. Beautiful. Voluptuous. Desirable. And, on top of all that, intelligent and productive. I recently picked up a magazine that is meant for a more mature female audience…you know…over forty. I was excited when I heard that such a magazine existed and wasn’t it about time? So, I looked for the title on the magazine rack and found, on it’s cover, a gorgeous woman crawling across the bed like a hungry lioness. A sultry vixen on the prowl. Tip-off #1 that this may not be the magazine that so many of us over forty types were hoping for. Especially since this temptress didn’t look a day over thirty. Trying to remain optimistic, I leafed through the pages learning about how I could remain relevant to my adult children, have multiple orgasms, what my man really wants in the bedroom and the definition of a cougar. Well, as it turns out, based on the facts presented in this magazine, there is no chance that my man will ever be happy in the bedroom if we must rely upon said magazine’s suggestions and if I put on smoky eyeshadow and hip-hugging jeans, I too could be considered a cougar. Good Lord. Hence the Lioness on the cover…I guess she was actually supposed to be a cougar. At any rate, it’s challenging for a gal crossing over into that “woman of a certain age” demographic. But, it’s all this pressure for women to be perfect that makes me wonder about the men…of a certain age. Is it me or do the men of a similar age seem completely unaffected by any such pressure? I was having lunch a few weeks ago at a nearby club and noticed the husband of one of my neighbors. My neighbor is attractive and no doubt spends a big part of her day exercising and dong the all the other things necessary to maintain this up-to-the-minute, cougar-like appearance. Her husband…not so much. What’s funny is that to see him strut around you’d think he owned the place. In his mind he was a God, a gift to women. And, he was…fat. Yep. Big, fat belly hanging over his belt. In that moment when I saw him my mind immediately went back to the hungry Lioness, er uh, cougar on the magazine cover. I imagined, in her place, my neighbor’s husband and his big, fat belly. How would we feel about that on the magazine cover? I suppose we’d get a good laugh out of it, but in real life we accept it…the fat man-belly. An blatant double standard! Why are we ok with this? Why are women expected to be “multiple orgasm prowling cougar vixens” but the counterpart to these women aren’t expected to have physical attributes any greater than that of the Michelin Tire Man? Is it because the man-belly is a sign of success? After all, some of these fellas crow as if to say “I’m very important and therefore entitled to eat and drink everything in sight!” Women: 3 hours per day at the gym, a sensible starvation plan and a series of torturous waxing and plucking procedures 7 days per week just to maintain the cougar-vixen thing. Men: A bike ride once a month with their buddies, power lunches of Guinness and potato skins and big bowls of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey before bed. Sexy. So, where do we go with all this? Nowhere, really. Just an observation. Those with the fat man-belly could up their game and loose the Dunlap. Another super fun idea would be the man-belly version of the same magazine. Instead of “multiple orgasm prowling cougar-vixen” on the cover it would be “slovenly bloated hunka burnin’ love machine” crawling across the bed…no doubt reaching for a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s. I’ll leave the articles in this magazine to your imagination. Ok, I can’t resist just one…”Ultimate BBQ Ribs…too messy for the bedroom but blow her mind at the next tailgate party.” Meeeow! Seriously, wouldn’t that be funny??
