E. Boyer
Using someone else’s words was not the column I had in mind for my return, but a friend threatened to reveal, in The Post, the closely-guarded secret ingredient in my coconut cake if I didn’t “say something about the bragging!” Well, for heaven’s sake, what, in the world, is going on out there? Let’s face it, this is Piedmont and we’re no strangers to boastful sorts, but If someone is tooting their own horn so much that it has the town whipped-up into a frenzy, I guess it calls for some action. Perhaps a chicken pot-pie! After all, not all bragging is based in narcissism and some studies even suggest that low self-esteem is to blame. Either way, I'm a firm believer that a homemade chicken pot-pie can temper the most vainglorious of narcissists and brighten the darkest of moods!
I knew a really smart man who used to say “You see those houses? Everybody who lives in “em is a millionaire. So, don’t ever go around thinking you’re so special. Everyone around here is special!” The old-school approach to humility. A thing of the past, I’m afraid. In this day and age, there’s no shortage of smart people. We have handheld devices that know where we are and can tell us where we’re going! Someone really smart did that. We have cures for diseases that used to kill people. Someone really smart did that, too. I’m going to say something that may ruffle a few feathers: Most of us aren’t stunned when we hear that you went to a well-known college. We respect it, but we aren't stunned or awestruck. Lot's of us went to prestigious colleges, but you may not be aware of it because we don’t talk about it all the time. More interestingly, many of us attended not- so-prestigious colleges and went on to do remarkable things with our lives and the self-made folks..no formal education and no inheritance from mom and pop, but who still became known leaders in their industry with only talent and ambition..even more interesting. I believe education is invaluable, but I also believe that it’s only a small part of a broad and sweeping bigger picture and that humility and good manners have become miserably underrated.
So, here's my "something" to appease my traitorous friend. Some friend! An article that seemed just right for this occasion. The article originally appeared describing 7 "types," but the editor of The Post said everyone would fall asleep reading something that long. Hmph!! Doesn’t he know that all Post readers are very highly educated and used to reading lengthy and important documents?!? Anyway, I’ll begin with types 1 and 2 and if someone doesn’t burn my house down between now and next week, Ill carry on with parts 3 and 4!
I know Piedmonters are practically perfect in every way, but some of our kindred clan need a gentle reminder every now and again...
Bragging—When is it OK and When is it Not OK?
Almost no one likes a show-off but almost everyone likes to show off, at least a little. Some showing off happens by accident and some in a deliberate attempt to manipulate others. In either case, though, you run the risk of looking a bit too satisfied with yourself if not downright conceited. The best way to brag about yourself to others is probably not to brag at all. Let other people do the bragging for you. However, because our feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence rest on being able to take pride in our achievements, it’s not only okay, but healthy, to brag about yourself to yourself. Giving yourself a mental pat on the back for a job well done can help boost your feelings of self-efficacy, prepare you for future successes, and even avoid the experience of depression. You don’t have to hide your light completely under a bushel, though. Later I’ll show you how to claim your bragging rights without looking too boastful.
There is surprisingly little research in psychology on bragging, though there is plenty on the related concept of narcissism, where you become excessively full of pride (even though you may not feel that way on the inside). There is also a great deal of research on the flip side of bragging, which is depression and low self-esteem. Fortunately, University of Manchester social psychologist Susan Speer (2012) provides us with an excellent article on the less pejorative term “self-praise.” Her work highlights the ways to brag that will get you in trouble along with the one way that is reasonably acceptable. She bases these on two considerations: epistemology and social norms.
The epistemology of bragging refers to the question of whether something you say about yourself can be verified or not. How do I know you’re telling the truth when you claim to have achieved some great outcome? If you tell me but don’t give me hard evidence, I have to rely on your word and your word alone. When bragging is based on your self-report only, you run the risk of not being believed.
The social norms of bragging refer to the fact that our culture expects people to be modest. People who aren’t modest violate those expectations. There is also a practical side to this social norm. Impression management is all about leading others to view you favorably. If they think you’re trying too hard, they’ll be turned off and you'll achieve exactly the opposite of your desired impact on others. This is especially true if the qualities you're showing off aren't the ones that interest the other person.
Bragging Type #1. Directly drawing attention to your own great personal qualities.
This is the least desirable way to brag. In Speer's framework, this is the least likely form of self-praise to be believable and the most likely to violate social norms. Without confirming evidence, people are not likely to believe you when you say that you possess positive qualities such as being smart, well-liked, or talented. There’s no way of knowing for sure whether you have these qualities, and so they are forced to take your word for it. Even if the claims can be validated, though (i.e. you really are attractive objectively) direct bragging violates the social norm against portraying yourself in such a positive light. Oddly enough, for whatever reason, although it’s not okay to claim to be great, it is okay to be self-deprecating by reporting on your own flaws. You can't lay claim to being smart, but it's okay to admit to being stupid. You’ve got to be careful with this, though, because you run the risk of looking like you’re fishing for a compliment, which is almost as annoying to people, and possibly more so, than just plain bragging.
Bragging Type #2. Directly drawing attention to something you’ve done.
You may feel that it’s immodest to say you’re a fantastic person but okay to say that you’ve accomplished some great feats. You’ve won a gold medal at the Olympics. By most people’s standards, it would seem that it’s okay to be happy about this and even mention it in your bio. It would not seem okay to wear your gold medal while running errands around town or introducing yourself as “Gold medalist so-and-so.” It may be cute when a toddler loudly proclaims her prowess in building the tallest stack of blocks to the others in her play group, but the chances are that by the time she reaches preschool, she’ll have been told by parents or teachers to keep her glories at least a little bit more to herself. As an example, Speer cites this exchange from an episode of the British Celebrity Apprentice:
Contestant: I think I’ve shown glimmers of brilliance since I’ve been here.
The M.C.: Don’t get carried away with yourself… you’re no Bill Gates. Trust me.
