Gossip

E. Boyer

Why do I know that my neighbor is moving out because of financial problems?  I shouldn't know that.  Why do I know that one of the women in a charitable organization which I support doesn't always wait until 5:30 to start Happy Hour?  I shouldn't know that.  And, why do I know that several neighborhood kids are in therapy or have been experimenting with drugs and alcohol?  I shouldn't know that, either.  You see, I don't have a close and personal relationship with any of them them.  And yet, I know things about them that only their very dear friends or family should know.  Mind you, I don't really know these things about my neighbors, etc.  I've only heard them.  That's right.  Gossip.  You might ask, "Why listen if you know it's just gossip?"  Well, here's the thing about gossip..the person delivering it is usually one of those coiling cobra types from whom it's doggone hard to get away!  Heck, they'll wrestle you to the ground just to bend your ear about the latest misfortune that fell upon some poor soul.  But, the thing that I've always found fascinating about gossip isn't so much the (always convoluted) message but, rather the pleasure the messenger gets in delivering it.  Take a closer look next time...they're like hyenas hovering over a carcass...laughing, snickering and licking their chops! For them, gossip makes the holiday ham look like leftover tuna casserole!  It's probably similar in other small towns but, geez, guys..our little enclave has a gossip force that rivals The National Inquirer!!  Good Lord, it's like pigs to the trough when someone's marriage is on the rocks!  Ladies' Night Out around here is often like a hodge-podge of scenes from Jane Austen's Emma read by Martha from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!!  Yep.  And, those darling little "I Love Lucy" style luncheons at our local country club often turn into that lesser known sitcom "Lucy and Ethel Get Hammered on Six Glasses (each) of Chardonnay And Tell Everyone Else At TheTable Why The Neighbors Really Moved Out Of Town."  Yikes..not pretty!!  But, those smeared-lipstick, slurred-word episodes aren't nearly as troublesome as the ones executed with complete presence of mind in full sobriety.  For example, you settle down for ten minutes with the morning paper and a cup of coffee when your phone rings with a call from your friend/gossip extraordinaire delivering urgent news:  "You-know-who's ex- husband is now living down the street with a woman 30 years his junior..but, turns out the marriage ended not because of her bizarre shoplifting habit as previously thought but because of his 12 year stint on unemployment after he was fired for being "ineffective"..anyway,  now he has millions from some real estate scam he pulled in Vegas but, you know she was the one with all the family money and never had to work a day in her life, but honestly, the whole new money thing is so tacky and, their son...he was the one they sent off to Utah for wearing all that eyeliner in high school..well, he's back in town after graduating from some B-rated college and you know he never would have gotten into any college if it weren't for that giant donation his Grandmother made..anyway, he's threatening to tell the new wife that his father was once in love with Bill, yes...Bill, the interior designer who, many years ago, helped his  mother with "colors" for their living room...anyway, they're having some ridiculously pretentious party and I might actually go because I'm dying to see what she looks like!"  Bam!!  Top that, Regis and Kelly!  And, all this time I thought their marriage ended because of that terrible hair piece he insisted on wearing. 

Some studies say that gossip is "..the social glue that holds us all together." And, that gossip "...is more than idle chat..it's how we arrange our world as social animals."  Maybe so.  But, I always thought the son was darling and I assumed, for all those years, that the eyeliner had something to do with theater arts!  And, I’m still not sure about the “new money” comment..I thought new money spent the same as old money!  Well, now I'm confused. Go easy on the mud slinging, fellow Piedmonters.  It could make an old gal add Bourbon to her morning coffee!  Besides, it's even tackier than all that new money...seriously.

ECSWL

(East Coast School With Lobster)

Thirty One kids from Piedmont's class of 2011 enrolled in a UC. Can that be accurate? For heaven’s sake, I think we should go back and check those numbers. It wouldn’t make sense that with all the Piedmont whippitty-do about our outstanding schools that only a handful are being admitted to the UCs. Heck, if that's the case, you could save yourself a bundle and buy a house in…gasp..Oakland! Or, what about Colorado, Arizona or Oregon...the places with the most sought after colleges? I have to say that I'm happy to hear kids are tossing aside all the stress and anxiety of choosing a school based on academics, test scores and such and not succumbing to the rigors necessary to gain acceptance into the UC system. I'm glad to know that things such as a love of lobster and abundance of sports are now the motivating factors. You know, one should never underestimate the impact a really good lobster meal can have on person. I have to say that having experienced, first hand, the epicurean pleasure of one of the legendary lobster rolls from Belle Isle back in East Boston, I can certainly understand how one would be vexed with the gut wrenching decision...UC or ECSWL (East Coast school with lobster)??? That's a tough one and it isn't made any easier when you throw in the fact that a UC , take Cal for instance, offers only a paltry 7,000 courses and 350 degree programs. Actually, that sounded like a lot to me but, apparently the other more popular universities offer more. The increasing tuition for the UC system also makes it a tougher sell...according to the Post's July 27th article. Heck, why would you pay $12,000- $14,000 in tuition to send your child to a UC when you can send them to Colorado, Oregon or Arizona for $30,000- $50,000? Wait. That doesn't make sense. Sheesh! That's more than twice as much! Must have gotten my numbers wrong...my apologies. Anyway, I certainly understand the problem of larger class sizes at the UCs. Naturally, smaller classes would be better and since the average UC class size for 74% of the undergraduate classes is less than 30 and 29 at University of Arizona....well, that one extra student can be a real scale-tipper. In all honesty, the lobster advantage is also really significant and shouldn't be underestimated. Combine that with the abundance of sports at these other schools and the UC's embarrassing lack of a cricket team and you've got a real quagmire on your hands! But, ya know what? It's great to have options. And knowing that Piedmont's graduating Seniors were well prepared and could have attended one of the UCs had they wanted to, is reassuring. After all, the UC system has, historically, been the unspoken goal, right? Sure, there'll always be a smattering of kids that are destined for Ivy or other elites but, for the most part, the standard in Piedmont has been a UC. So, for heaven's sake...three cheers to the Piedmont Unified School District for instilling in it's students the courage and independence to break away from the staid UC path and follow their passion to Boulder, Arizona, Oregon and charming East coast hamlets with plenty of lobster. Just knowing how well prepared they are fills me to the brim with plaid-skirt pride!

P.S. This just in...turns out Cal actually does have a cricket team! Well, who the heck knew that?!? But, ya' know what? I bet they're not very good.