Tofurkey, Sweet Lolita and Pumpkin Pie

Aahhh, the holidays.  Taking time from our hectic schedules to come together for the autumnal feast.  Loved ones from near and far hearken the call to gather and rekindle the familial flame.  It is truly a time of warm feelings and fond memories.  Course, it’s also a time to sit back and watch Aunt Cora take her teeth out at the dinner table after 5 or 6 Brandy Alexanders.  Yes, this is the stuff holiday memories are made of.  Take, for instance, your Grandmother’s prized pumpkin pie recipe that was shared only with her favorite sister-in-law .  Try as you might, this pie never turns out quite right when you make it, due solely to the fact that the miserable  wretch purposely left out one or two of the key ingredients when she passed the recipe down to you.  No matter.  There are still so many things to be thankful for and so many wonderful relatives to share this special day with.  Take, for instance, your older sister.  O.K., it’s true that at every family get-together she takes the opportunity to explain to everyone, individually and in great detail, how they will be spiritually uplifted by following the holy word of our Savior.  And, every year you pray for the love of sweet Jesus or for any other Savior to bolt down from the heavens and rescue you from the hell of this proselytism.  But, she’s a great gal and it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without her…right?  Besides, we all have our little quirks and being together as a family is what it’s all about.  What better time to catch-up with those we so seldom see in our hectic lives and laze in the re-telling of fun-filled days gone by.  Admittedly, some memories are better than others and I think we could all agree that recalling the time Aunt DeeDee had to pick up Uncle Wes in Mexico at a place called Sweet Lolita’s Pleasure Place, is probably a bad idea.  Oh, but who hasn’t had a little misstep here and there?  Nothing so trivial will dim the warm and comforting glow of this lovely Thanksgiving day.  The house is filled with the intoxicating aroma of all imaginable comfort foods, the table is set with all the glitter and glam befitting this special occasion.  The seating assignments are marked and everyone anxiously awaits the call to indulge.  And, whoever drew the shortest straw last year anxiously awaits the shock and awe experience of sitting next to one of the…gulp… teenagers.  O.K., holiday or not, I’m just gonna go ahead and say what everyone is thinking…at least one of the teenagers in this group is guaranteed 100%  to be a full-fledged wing-nut!  A behavior modification experiment gone horribly wrong! A spawn so evil that it sends the hackles up on the old family dog!  And you can set your watch to the inevitable moment during dinner when this little messenger of Satan will announce their hatred for their parents then french-kiss (yes, at the table) the equally disturbing dinner guest they brought along and then punctuate the moment with a “What the hell is your problem?!?  Pass the freaking potatoes!!”   Ahhh, family.  Nothing quite like it.  All together for the holiday.  Sharing the love.  If you venture out to the back porch you can also share in some of Uncle Zen and Aunt Moon’s Tofurkey.  Yep, vegetarians.  Don’t laugh.  If you live long enough, it’s bound to happen at your family celebrations, too.  The weird couple who refuses to enter the house during the flesh eating portion of the evening, sits out on the back porch in their ill-fitting clothes, plates on laps, pretending to enjoy the vegan casserole they brought as a contribution.  Did I mention that the vegetarians are also smokers?  That’s right.  Turfurkey and Marlboros on the back porch.  Beautiful.  But, they’re family and we love ‘em, right?  And, of course the holidays just wouldn’t be the same without the ever popular political debate.  This is always a tough one for anyone with a brain because you know you should resist any temptation to participate.  But…aaarrgg..there it is!!  He actually said Sarah Palin is brilliant and now you have Uncle Kip in a headlock right there in the living room.  Good Lord.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.   

Put Down The Knives...Step Away From The Corkscrew

E. Boyer

Things happen in small towns.  The community has a recognized need that’s appreciated by the residents as worthy, funds are raised and things happen.  Inspiring. Or, sometimes…not.  A handy example of the not-so-inspriing…the portables at Havens.  C’mon, don’t pretend like you’ve forgotten.  Good God in heaven. To hear the fan club of that bungle-fest tell it, if we didn’t act immediately, the children in attendance at the time of the imminent catastrophic earthquake would die a slow and painful death ‘neath the rubble of the collapsed one-story, wood framed building as it came down in apocalyptic fury!   Even though the fan group for this project was small, they were extremely vocal and the project was steamrollered into fruition.  I suppose this bullying tactic could be seen as effective.  Or, it could be seen as an obnoxiously pushy group behaving badly to promote their own agenda despite the fact that it cost a fortune and served only a small part of the community. But, it still happened, all the while having you believe that the reason it happened was because the community was behind it.  Right about now, many of you are thinking “Hey, wait a minute.  I wasn’t behind that.”  Exactly.  And neither were so many others.  But, here’s the thing…if you oppose projects or measures that these VGs (vocal groups) promote, you know, instinctively, that you’ll be tarred and feathered!  It isn’t your imagination.  You know first-hand or have at least heard the stories of those poor, unsuspecting souls who made the mistake of speaking out against their agenda.  That’s right..make that mistake and you are out! O.U.T! Persona non grata! Good bye, baby, that train left the station! Kiss all future invitations goodbye!   And, yes, that goes for your kids, too!  Holy Mother.  Scary, and more than a little intimidating.  Sadly, our little town suffers from what I call “Loud-Mouth at the Podium” syndrome.  This is where the big-shot du jour comes onto the scene and takes over, imposing his/her will upon anyone in shouting distance with a weaker constitution.  They impress their followers with quick witticisms, drop important names, throw fancy parties and make no mistake, they will slash your jugular vein with the nearest corkscrew if you go against their ideas!  Don’t let the pressed khakis and pinpoint oxford shirts fool you…this is a tough town! Thought you were entitled to independent thoughts?  Not if you hope to be included in the next block party.  Here’s the thing: I’m in favor of most projects in Piedmont...new schools, new fields, new pavement, new traffic signals, new turf, new giant vase, new pools, new retrofit at the schools, new undergrounding, blah, blah, blah.  I see it all as progress, for the most part and for the remaining “part,” if I’m not thrilled about it, I know I can express it with my vote.  When someone says “Hey, we need a new building for Havens so let’s hastily and without adequate evidence of necessity bring in a bunch of portables for a few years that will cost a bloody fortune and in the future be deemed a fiasco by the entire community” instead of going with my first instinct, which is to nail their tongue to their forehead so that they can never speak again, I take a deep breath, consider that they are entitled to their opinion and accept that there may be more to their idea than I am aware.  In other words, I’m polite.   But, be aware that not everyone is.  Why, is change in our community good when suggested by one VG, but disregarded when suggested by anyone outside that VG?  Why is it reasonable to ask for millions of dollars to build new facilities, but blasphemous to ask how our children may be better served in the classrooms?  Why is it expected that bond measures and tax increases be welcomed with open arms but, pausing to consider if this is the most intelligent and effective approach is met with fierce and brutal criticism?  No sir, don’t confuse me with the facts… let’s burn these bridges fast so there’s no going back!  In fact, the minute any concern is raised openly about our PUSD, the knives come out of the drawer!  The mere mention of a problem with our schools can get you blacklisted in this town…and that’s not polite, nor is it at all productive.  It’s disappointing to see adults in our community behave like spoiled children.  No one should feel frightened to express their support or objection to a project or an idea.  Good ideas don’t come exclusively from the loud-mouth at the podium.  Sometimes they come from less flashy folks who have thoughtfully, carefully and quietly done their research without the pomp of Piedmont’s legendary cocktail party fundraisers.  So, the next time someone offers an opinion that may be different from your own, put away the knives, put down the corkscrew and for Pete’s sake if you can’t keep quiet then at least try to be polite…pretty please??