Super Hot...Un-edited Version

 (The Post boogered me up pretty good this week!  Read this version...it's way better!!)

E. Boyer

Well, it’s come to this.  I was listening to the radio while driving today.  The announcer said “C’mon, get those entries in for our Hot Mom contest!”  He went on to say how Angelina Jolie and Gwen Stefani can’t be the only hot moms out there and we therefore must all quickly submit our entries for moms whom we think are hot .  When I got home, I Googled Angelina and Gwen to see what all the fuss was about.  First off, let me point out that Angelina is 35 years old.  Everyone is hot when they’re 35 years old!!  Kid stuff!!  For corn sakes, being hot at 35 is a cake walk!  Secondly, I’m pretty sure these two ladies have a team of professionals who make them look hot.  God sakes, Medusa wouldn’t have been half bad if you put a team of make-up artists and a personal trainer on her 6 days a week!  The announcer didn’t specify the age for this Hot Mom contest so I assume moms of all ages could enter.  This made me little sad thinking of women, just a titch past their so-called prime, rushing to send in their photo in hopes of still being the hottest of them all.  Oh, Dear.  Sigh.  Lament.  Let’s go ahead and take this thing to it’s logical conclusion:  Women enter.  I assume the photos on which listeners vote would be posted somewhere.  The contestant  with the most ooohs and aaahs will win.  Translated: all of the other contestants who initially thought themselves hot, will now take a sharp left turn to Negative Town upon discovering that, based on a vote of pathetic losers (after all, who else over the age of 19 votes on these things) they, in fact, are not hot. Honestly, people!  Why not try something really fun and gather all the moms together in early March, fresh out of a lapsing gym membership and winter hibernation when their skin hasn’t seen the sun since last August, throw them into a brightly lit dressing room with full-length mirrors at every angle and have them try on bathing suits?!?  Sweet mother of God!  What is wrong with us??!!??  Why do we put ourselves in these impossible situations?  Hot Mom?!?  Really???  Is that to say that upon becoming a mother, women are suddenly rendered so unattractive that a radio station has to have a contest just to seek out that one mom who is still glass-slipper worthy?    Why, on earth, would we begin and end the exploration of moms with who is hot?   Do moms not have enough on their plates without being sized-up by a bunch of under-sexed idiots at a radio station??  Good lord, pass the estrogen, please!  I was thinking that, after the dressing room, me and all the moms that I know could go and enter the contest en masse.  Strength in numbers!  But, then I remembered that we probably wouldn’t be finished saving the world.  Hot moms do that kinda stuff.   Hot moms??  Don’t be silly.  Super hot mom is more like it…..

The Deer And The Bridge..Un-edited version!

Greetings Piedmonters.  This entry was submitted long, long ago and the Post's publisher decided (wisely) not to print it at that time.  But, now that we've come so far in the Moraga Canyon process, I couldn't resist resurrecting it...

E. Boyer 

Well, here we are again.  An issue that has us divided.  Big surprise.  Who knew that the bucolic sliver of earth on Moraga Road would persist as it has in the headlines?  Save Moraga Canyon!   What I really want to know is, who makes all of the signs and bumper stickers that appear, as if overnight , on the lawns and cars of our enthusiastically involved  residents….and non-residents.  Is it me or is it mildly irritating that people who don’t live in Piedmont get to weigh-in on a Piedmont issues?  It’s probably just me.  I’m sure the rest of Piedmont’s residents are interested in and concerned about the thoughts and feelings of….outsiders.  Outsiders,  who don’t pay taxes in Piedmont.   Any hoodle, those are just two little side notes.  What’s really on my mind is the proposed bridge that will span from one side of Moraga Ave to the other.  I like to call it The Stairway To Heaven.   I think this was originally the brain-child of former Mayor, Abe Friedman.   I think Mr. Friedman imagined himself standing atop the bridge, vacillating ad nauseam while his loyal subjects looked on from below.  So, perhaps in the development of Moraga Canyon into a sports field, we’ll get a bridge that will serve to safely usher children up and over treacherous Moraga Avenue.  I was thinking that since we’re doing all the undergrounding in Piedmont, why not make The Stairway to Heaven, the Stairway to Hell….make the thoroughfare underground , tool?!  Aren’t the deer that graze in Moraga Canyon a primary concern for those opposed to the project?  The Stairway to Hell could actually improve the quality of life for the deer by offering them a safe way to cross Moraga Ave!  C’mon, it’s brilliant!  Sure, if child and deer happened to use the Stairway to Hell at the same time, it could get ugly but, that’s a minor detail that the experts could resolve.  Maybe they could recruit Ms. Shipp to impose a new punishment on the ASU that would mandate training the deer.  For an entire school year, instead of raising money by selling snacks at the Rec. Center, the students would be required to train the deer to use the STH in a calm and orderly manner.  Deer Whisperers!   Sort of a win-win because Piedmont would have well-behaved deer and  the ASU could then take their new-found skills to other cities in need of deer training and charge a fortune!  Naturally, a portion of the funds would be deposited into an emergency fund to be used in the entirely likely event that they require legal representation by Mr. Alexander.  (I read somewhere that he’s expensive).   So far, this sounds like a viable plan but we’re forgetting about those who are opposed to the project.  We have two choices. We can engage in a fair and diplomatic process of discovery, environmental impact, sound engineering reports, community discussions,  blahbiddy, blah, blah and hope they glaze over in agonizing boredom, willing to do anything just to make it stop.  Or, we rely on the usual plaid skirt crew to take the ball and run with it, shoving the idea down the throats of the opposition without regard for anything that goes against their agenda.  Neither of these scenarios are perfect. But, seriously…I think we’re onto something with the deer training.